Train to Serendipity

Little Voices of Destruction

2010-06-09T16:07:00.000-07:00

Lately there have been many ups and downs in my life. They are more internal that external. Externally, there have been far more ups than downs, so I should be good... but I'm not. Earlier this week I had three days of high. Seriously, nothing could knock me down! Then I got knocked down. The high, I wonder, maybe was caused by lots of carb consumption over the weekend... pasta, ice cream cookie sandwiches with chocolate chip sprinkles, sugary drinks, etc. All I know is that it was nice to feel invincible for a few days!

Then we went to a birthday party yesterday and I chased Aidan around for about 90% of the party. And I felt so out of my comfort zone that I didn't really talk much with anyone anyway. Jonah would disappear and I would worry that he would be bitten by a rattlesnake and he would be some place where I couldn't find him until it was too late. And while I was worrying about where Jonah was, Aidan would run off and I would have to find him and run after him because, as a baby should be, he usually runs the other way and laughs when I call his name. They both disappeared a number of times, and the park where the party was located was quite remote and "wild," lots of places to disappear. I only knew the mother of the birthday boy. I had never met her son or her husband or her friends or her friends' kids. And I had to carry my purse, my camera, a water bottle, Aidan's apple and nectarine wedges all over as I chased the boys. I was a bit frayed by the end of the party and glad to come home.

And as I was leaving, I was all too aware how withdrawn I had been at the party. I became very critical of myself, thinking of all the things I should have done differently. I was embarrassed that complete strangers were doing things with Jonah when I felt like I should have been the one helping him. I was embarrassed that I wasn't up to meeting people and avoided my friend's husband until he was about to leave and he came over and introduced himself, clearly completely unaware of who I was or why I was there. I spend so much time at home away from adults that you would think I would be so stoked to spend time with other adults! But I just wanted to run... or hobble, since my knee won't really allow running.

So I have been having these thoughts going through my head lately... thoughts that I am at a critical point in my life. I feel like the way I handle what is happening right now could really determine where my life heads for the indefinite future. I keep having thoughts that I am going to completely fall apart and get completely out of shape again and gain lots of weight. That is my fear, that I am going to end up like these unhappy, obese people I have been watching on The Biggest Loser because my life seems to be getting so out-of-control and I don't believe I can stop it. I fear that I am failing at everything I am trying to work on right now because I feel so overwhelmed and scattered, like everything in my life is an emergency. It feels like I have lost my strength, like I have lost my chutzpah. I like going to the gym and think about going, but I don't go. I like healthy food, but I am choosing crap instead. I know there are things that I need to do, but I watch tv and play games on facebook to numb-out instead of getting things accomplished. I wonder what happened to the spirit I used to have. I wonder where my inner strength has gone. WHERE IS MY SELF-CONTROL???? I look in the mirror and I know that I am hardly even close to being obese since my weight is in the 120s, but I have been yo-yo-ing up and down for over a year. I can't keep it together long enough to maintain my weight or to continue losing weight to get to my goal. I am wearing clothes that I wore during my pregnancy, people!! And they are snug. But it's more about what I am consuming than it is about the weight. I am killing myself with the crap I am eating. I don't eat healthy foods like I used to and Aidan eats far unhealthier foods than Jonah did at his age because I don't have the motivation to cook healthy meals. I usually just go out and buy fast food. My almost two year old's favorite meal is a double cheeseburger plain and apple fries. He would prefer regular fries, but I try to at least get him the apples or other fruit rather than fries. And he likes nachos. And quesadillas. And mac and cheese. Stuff that has very little nutrition to it. Then I criticize myself for not saving money by cooking at home.

I keep telling myself that I can't do anything right in so many words, and I think I am starting to believe it. I need to stop that. I know I do. It's just really hard with my life going in so many different directions... homeschooling Jonah, taking classes to learn how to help Jonah, Raul working two jobs, Aidan growing up and challenging boundaries (which he should, b/c he is a normal, healthy child), dealing with this PPO insurance and getting bills for visits I forgot about and being double-charged (and not realizing it until after I paid BOTH bills) b/c the doctor's office billed under both Jonah's and Raul's names for the same visit b/c they are both named Raul, (oh-yeah) all the doctors' visits for my knee and for Jonah, worrying about Jonah having to go under general anesthesia TWICE this summer for an MRI and to get his cavities filled (b/c of his extreme anxiety), and just living every single day. It's just so hard. You don't know how hard it is to live with a child with Asperger's/high functioning autism unless you go through it. You cannot even begin to fathom what it's like. The work never ends. There is no going home at the end of the day to relax from this job. It's 24/7.

So please excuse me while I have my little nervous breakdown before I can move on.

Decisions, Decisions

2010-06-06T12:31:00.000-07:00

May flew by. I had the MRI, and they found nothing structurally wrong with my knee. So the doctor decided to give me a cortisone injection right through my patellar tendon and then acted like I was a wimp because I chose not to look. He is a bit sadistic, if I have never mentioned that before. After the shot, my knee was very swollen and stiff and painful. It got better after a few days and I was completely pain-free before the one week that the doc said it would take. I had a slight relapse after physical therapy, but that pain was short-lived... just a few days. I did a lot that week: Biggest Loser Finale, San Diego Zoo, Padres baseball game, trip to Catalina, etc. It was a lot of fun! But the pain started to come back while driving my car. The clutch seems to be doing me in, but both my cars are sticks. What can I do? I let Raul drive as much as possible, but he can't always be with me.

I missed PT Wednesday. It was the last day I had company, as I dropped my mom off at the airport that morning. It was nice to have quiet and nowhere to be... or so I thought. It wasn't until Raul was at a meeting that night that I started thinking about what I needed to be doing the following week and realized that I did in fact have something to do that day besides drive my mom to the airport. I completely brain-farted PT. Ugh. And I didn't want to go back for my Friday appointment, but I thought if I showed up Friday they might just let the missed appointment slide. I was wrong. I had to pay the $45 no-show fee. Grrrr. So I didn't make any new appointments. Not because of the no-show fee but because I cannot afford to keep going. I have already gone twice a week for two months. Right now I cannot justify continuing, especially since I gave up on doing my exercises at home after week 5 or 6 when I re-injured myself for the second time. There are times when I feel like PT is aggravating what is going on with me, and it's a bit confusing that my physical therapist and my doctor both talk about different issues, like they are not on the same page. I don't think either one of them is necessarily wrong; but it is just odd to me that they are both focused on something different. It just doesn't seem right, and I suppose that adds to my ambivalence, that I don't really know what the problem is. At this point I don't want to waste any more time or money going to PT. I feel like I would be better off using that time just going to the gym and truly starting off slow on the bike and/or treadmill, being extremely conservative.

So I have decided to go rogue and will be working on my rehab on my own. It's an easier decision for me since I am mostly pain-free right now. I want to have control of my life and my body again. I am tired of being out of shape, tired of eating crap all the time because I am too stressed out to plan my meals ahead of time, tired of feeling down. I want to see what I can do on my own. Hopefully it will go well. I plan on having more fun and saving more money in the process. :-)

Things Are Looking Better in May!

2010-05-05T00:37:00.000-07:00

So I am really, really, really glad April is finally over!

I went to the doctor Monday for a follow-up, and I am now waiting on an authorization from my insurance company to get an MRI of my knee. Since the pain keeps returning every time I try to amp up my workouts, there is concern that there is more going on than what was originally thought. I wouldn't be surprised since I have had problems with this knee basically my entire life.

Last week I went through an episode of depression because I was still hurting. I planned to go into physical therapy on Monday and tell everyone it was my last day b/c I was so frustrated that I am not better. However, every time I even thought of uttering the words, I would start to tear up... and I didn't want to break down in front of everyone in the clinic. So I half-assed my entire workout, went home and emailed my PT to let him know that I was frustrated that I was still in pain because I thought about why I really wanted to quit and read on the internet that it is extremely common for people to become depressed during rehab. My PT said he would do a re-evaluation and forward it to my doc, and he said I shouldn't let myself get so down. So I wrote back and told him that I knew I pushed too hard, that it was my fault for being impatient, etc., etc. He responded, saying that I shouldn't worry about it, that he does the same thing. For some reason, it was comforting hearing that my PT is impatient, too. So I quit feeling down about the lack of recovery and I'm waiting to see what happens with this MRI.

When I went back to PT this Monday with a sinus headache and lingering shoulder/neck pain from an old snowboarding accident, my PT stopped me after three exercises, worked on my knee and my shoulder and neck, put ice on my knee and my neck and told me to go home and relax when I was done. THAT is what I pay that man for right there!

Raul will be running the half marathon in my place. He has happily stepped in. I think it was the new running shoes that sealed the deal. He claims his new Saucony's are the best shoes he has ever owned. :-) He has also been taking Jonah running with him, and Aidan goes along for the ride in the jogging stroller. So they get exercise and I get a break! We all win!

And I need to make out an itinerary for the week my sister and her husband will be here. There are so many things I would like to do, places I'd like to take them. I'm going to try to fit in as much as possible!

Scratch That Last Blog Title.... My Sucky Month!!

2010-04-16T19:46:00.000-07:00

So we had to return the Toyota TWICE after they already kept it for one week rather than the 3 business days they promised. The second time was because the parking brake would not work. In the midst of all of that we had our Honda worked on, too. We got new struts, new timing belt, and four new tires. (Bye-bye tax return!) While we were in Vegas that weekend, Raul noticed wires poking out of one of the brand new tires. However, when we got home, I was still so stressed out from having to deal with the other garage that I waited until things settled down before calling Honda. Today I took the car into Honda and told the service writer in passing that the strut was really noisy after he told me they would take care of the tire. Fast forward a few hours... he left a message on my voicemail saying that we must have hit a bump or something on the road and that our freaking rack and pinion is damaged! We just paid $847 to have the rack and pinion replaced on the Toyota along with all the other repairs and replacements on both cars. We spent a total of about $3,600 on both cars and now we need to spend another almost $1,000???? Complete and utter bullshit! I believe the mechanics damaged/broke the rack and pinion changing out the struts.

I am so stressed out by all this that today I tried to revoke my registration for the random drawing for the Nike Women's Marathon in October. It's $190 for the entry and the shuttle tickets for Raul and the boys to get to and from the finish line. I don't know if they will let me withdraw. If they don't, I hope I am not one of the randomly selected entrants because it is non-transferable.

I have too much going on to plan/train for a marathon. I can't believe I ever thought I could swing it.

And I am so scatter-brained right now from the stress that I just walked out of physical therapy today after finishing my exercises without realizing I completely forgot the icing and stim for my leg... and now it hurts. I even went back in to get some things I forgot and still didn't realize I forgot the last portion of my treatment. I forgot to mention I jumped out of the car and walked the remaining half mile home because I was so on edge that I wanted to be by myself. I think that may have caused a little of the pain, too.

I am so, so, so stressed out right now. I can't deal with anything more. Jonah has been a nightmare for a while now because we took him off his medicine, and I have so much anxiety about even starting his homeschooling lessons because I don't want to deal with his meltdowns. Aidan has been testing the limits with us as he approaches the terrible twos. Raul works almost every day.

What triggered my slide into negativity was a letter I got in the mail. Consciously I know I shouldn't be this upset about it, but I am. The letter was from my credit card company. They lowered my credit limit for the second time in less than six months. I pay my bill every month. I pay all my bills every month and on time. The rationale they used this time was the same as last time. Last time I called to dispute it and they told me I needed to contact Experian because their decision was based on what Experian reported to them. Experian reported that I have "too few accounts paid as agreed," which is complete and utter bullshit because I pay all my bills on time and I almost always pay more than what is due, if not the entire balance. And I have dealt with this kind of thing before. I had to sue last time, and I just don't have the energy to deal with this all over again. So now when anything that involves money comes up, I lose it. This is my major trigger. Money stresses me out more than anything. But I was already maxed out on stress before this came up. Now it's just over the top, boiling over madness.

Update from My Sucky Week

2010-04-02T09:58:00.000-07:00

This has been quite the week. A week filled with the unexpected, the downright enraging. Somehow I still have my sanity and I have managed to stop shaking and I can walk up and down a flight of stairs without worrying that my kneecap will fly off and poke someone's eye out. I still have a small amount of soreness in my hamstring, back of the knee, and upper calf, but it is more like the soreness you have after a moderate workout. I am trying to not get too optimistic and trying to not go overboard, but I am hoping this means I am beginning to really recover from my injury.

Oh, but the screaming, the drama, the sucky stuff that has overshadowed that one really wonderful positive from this week.

Jonah has been off his meds for over 3 weeks, and we are feeling it. He is so out-of-control and we don't know whether we should see if he rides this out and gets better, like it might be an effect of his body detoxing and trying to get back to normal, or if we should put him back on medication pronto. I feel like I have aged 5 years or more this week dealing with Jonah and that place that gave my car back in worse condition that when we brought it in. And that stupid woman at that restaurant in Irvine that looked like she was going to hit Jonah for closing one of the two doors to the entrance. She was pointing her finger at him, getting all ghetto on him for pulling a wooden block out from under the door. God, I wanted to knock her the fuck out!

I am NOT having a good week, not having any fun preparing for Easter, not even remotely looking forward to getting out of town, and too overwhelmed to even focus on Raul's birthday Tuesday. But I can walk and climb stairs and can probably jog if I tried, but I will not jinx myself. NOT THIS WEEK. Things have been so sucky that I will not tempt fate by trying to jog this week, but I may have to if Jonah runs off in another meltdown in public.

Thank goodness this wasn't the week I was going through withdrawal from quitting sugar!!

I hope you all had a much, MUCH better week than I had, and I hope you all have a VERY Happy Easter!!!

Losing My Mind and Having Fun (Mutually Exclusive!)

2010-03-19T20:23:00.000-07:00

Hi! I went to physical therapy again today. My PT was laughing at me b/c I told him that I slept with a roll pillow under my knee and woke up with a numb knee and was excited about that. According to him people normally worry when they wake up with numbness, but I was just happy to have numbness instead of pain. I told him it only lasted a few minutes, so that made HIM feel better. He said the pillow probably compressed a nerve while I was asleep. I think I will try it again tonight!

I also went out to lunch at a new restaurant today, a Persian restaurant with a lunch buffet, and it was awesome! The boys loved it, too. My favorite was a dish with okra and some sort of meat in it. The boys loved the fried fish. Raul loved the tiramisu.

Things have been a little smoother this week, except for my memory. I have lost so many things this week. I almost had a heart attack when I lost my iPod Touch. I had been four places that day before heading home. The search area was huge! I called the first place and even had Raul leave work to drive all the way over there to double-check it for me. He pulled cushions out of chairs, etc. The receptionist helped him look, too, but NOTHING. I also made phone calls to Target and the Irvine Spectrum Center looking for it. I was getting very upset because I was not having any luck. I ended up finding it later under Aidan's car seat. I forgot that I set it down beside his car seat when I was buckling him in. My anxiety is definitely back after stopping Lexapro. I was very upset and on the verge of crying because I thought my iPod was gone forever. Then I lost it again later the same day and looked right over it three times before Raul found it for me. And today I moved Raul's flash cards that he will be using to study for a new license, and they mysteriously disappeared from the spot where I put them. Sucky, sucky. He was rather grouchy after that and it didn't help make my day any more pleasant. So I took the boys to the park while he went home. I think he found the cards b/c I just saw them in the bathroom linen closet where he stashes most of his books that are in the process of being read. It's a bit frustrating when your brain fails you so much within a few of days.

Tomorrow I will be headed to the famous Swallow's Day Parade in San Juan Capistrano. It will be Aidan's first parade. Fortunately I wrote this on the calendar and didn't rely on my brain to remind me.

Did I mention how fast Aidan is growing up? Today he climbed up a LADDER at the playground and didn't even need my help. Of course I was right behind him with my hands on his bottom and back, but he never once lost his footing or balance. He is a total natural. I think he takes after his Mama! :-) And he is learning new words almost every day. He had me laughing hysterically in Kohl's before I realized I lost my iPod Wednesday. Jonah was really grouchy. I asked Aidan if he wanted Jonah to leave him alone, and he yelled, "Fuss-EH!" Translation: "fussy!" It was perfect... the timing, everything. I overheard a store employee telling someone else about what Aidan had just said. Well, he keeps amazing me. I know most kids amaze their parents, but when he helps me clean or kisses me after he accidentally hurts me, it completely warms my heart and I fall more deeply in love with the little guy. It's so nice to have a child that gives me the privilege of enjoying the parent-child relationship. I love Jonah, but he and I constantly have to work on our relationship. It's paying off, but I am so happy to have a child that does not require so much mental and emotional effort to make my relationship with him a good one. Also, the vindication that I am a good mom and can raise a child "properly" is priceless.

My plan for the weekend is to have fun! I hope your plans are no less! :D

How Could I Forget?

2010-03-18T08:28:00.000-07:00

This week I was having a conversation with my sister who lives in Louisiana, and it occurred to me how much I have forgotten what it was like to be a Southern Conservative. I was fiercely conservative when I lived in the South. I didn't trust government very much, though I was very gung-ho about it like most Southerners. I even got my B.A. in political science and ended up disliking politics so much that I quit voting for about a decade. Originally I talked about working for a political action committee. Now I turn the channel on the tv any time there is talk of politics.

So the conversation with my sister was about the community college where she works. She was recently transferred for the second time since starting this job without an explanation. She is left to speculate about the reason for the transfer. She misses her former co-workers, and a good number of them complained to the higher-uppers that they were disappointed that she was replaced for no apparent reason. I commented to her that I don't like that about the South, that people can be so backwards and do stupid things for reasons only known to them. The behind-the-scenes story is that there is a man of a different race who is incompetent and has been sexually harassing women who got her old position. Supposedly the thinking is that he will fail so miserably that they can finally fire him. This being the South, they want to have a concrete reason to fire the guy so as not to be sued for racism. I told my sister she should file a reverse-discrimination lawsuit. If this is what is really going on, it is so ridiculous and my sister is a pawn for someone else's psycho little scheme ("else's" is a word, right?). I would hate to be in her shoes.

So we discussed how, if it was a corporation, he would have been fired for the sexual harassment and/or his incompetencies (why do I have to keep adding words to the Firefox dictionary?), that he would not have gotten as far as he has at this government job. That is when my sister chimed in about not trusting the government to handle health care. AHA! There it was. THERE it was.

For so long I have been wracking my brains trying to figure out why my family is so against health care reform, and I finally got it! In the South you work hard, try to be a good person, and you pay your taxes. Then the government takes your money and they waste it. There is not much to show for the taxes you have paid, and it is so unnerving. Why do all the roads in Louisiana have serious cracks and potholes? Why is there so much crime? Why don't kids have up-to-date school books and why are teachers paid so little? I haven't lived there in over a decade, so there could be more pressing issues than the ones I have mentioned, but I remember that frustration that government could not get shit done. And THAT is why my family gets so furious at the thought of government "fixing" health care. But the problem is that the current system is broken and the people making money in health care are not going to stop and say, "It's wrong that I make so much money! Let's change it so that I can give up my house and my yacht so that poor families and autistic children can finally have health care." It's just not going to happen. That is the conundrum. Fixing health care without government involvement. It just won't happen. I don't know if the Republicans will allow it to happen. My Republican father-in-law (Southern-raised who has not had health insurance in years) actually said he would commit violence if any health care bill passed. It is insanity. It's not as simple as I explain it. There are also issues with abortion and "death panels" (WHICH, informally, ALREADY EXIST). But the distrust of government is the heart of the matter. It's such a shame that the whole country may have to suffer because of government mismanagement causing distrust in the South... and many other parts of the country. But it is there, thus my disenchantment with the political system when I lived in the South. I am just happy that I now live in a place where I can see tax dollars at work. That makes it easy for me to trust health care reform.

This would be a healthier country if people could get physical therapy when they hurt their knee/leg, like I have, rather than dealing with the pain until they become couch potatoes so that the pain will dissipate. I thought of that because I overheard a physical therapist say that people who sit on couches all day do not have hamstring injuries. Sadly, it's true. I could sit on the couch and take pain medication until it goes away. Or the pain could not go away and I could become a drug addict or an alcoholic to numb myself. You know? It's frustrating. Something needs to be done, and it should be done.

Physical Therapy

2010-03-15T10:31:00.000-07:00

Three physical therapy sessions have been completed now, and I am experiencing new and different pains. Since the pain has not disappeared, it is obvious that I need this therapy. Yesterday the pain was so incessant that I actually thought I would rather have my leg cut off than deal with the pain any longer. It's not that it's severe; I just can't tolerate constant pain. But I don't like to take medicine or drugs either.

One of the new sensations I am experiencing is a clicking in my affected knee, pain where my biceps femoris connects to my sit bone (my ass), a tightness and pain below my kneecap, pain in my mid hamstring, and pain in my entire calf. This is along with all the other pain I have felt.

I am not an extremely patient person. One of the three times I went to therapy, I wanted to walk right out and never return. I don't like pain, and this therapy is causing more pain first to get me better later. I know that is the case, but I just want to be better right NOW!

And I have this issue that I do not understand how strengthening certain muscles (i.e., my ass) is going to make my hamstring and knee stop hurting. That is the pessimist in me taking over. I know I need to strengthen my muscles. I get that, but I don't understand how this all works and if I ever will get better. I have never had constant pain for this long, and it's messing with my head.

At my last session, I asked if I could do any sort of exercise because I do have a half marathon coming up at the end of May. He told me that I can do upper body work. Pardon my French, but DUH! I asked him about cardio and he said I could try out the bike they have in the gym. It was a very awkward bike. I felt like my knees were past the peddles, which puts more pressure on my knees. Not to mention I felt like I was going to fall off at any given moment, but I endured the 10 minutes and managed to break a sweat. Maybe that is why I am hurting, because I am not used to the exercise.

At this point, I do not see how I am supposed to finish a half-marathon or even a 5K by the end of May. I guess I could walk it, but I would still need to train for that. And the HILLS! Perhaps this is me having a mini panic attack, but I sure hope I can do this.

California Dreaming...

2010-03-06T20:59:00.000-08:00

This blog is becoming less about running, and more about my daily successes and struggles. And today I want to blog because I don't feel very grounded. I decided to check out real estate prices, as I usually do a few times a year, and I found an older townhome that we could possibly afford. We even drove past it three times today to see it and to see what the neighborhood is like. We loved the view and the spaciousness of the neighborhood and the quietness. Then I came home and did the math. An almost $300,000 townhome... it's a lot of money. But rent is expensive, too. So I started searching other areas and other types of properties. I got very excited when I found a $169,000 manufactured home in San Juan Capistrano until I found out how much the land lease was... an additional $800/month. It ends up being more expensive than the townhome. But I was so bummed b/c the SJC home had a huge back yard where the boys could play, a rarity out here under $500,000. I shouldn't be looking for a home to buy, but I can't help it. I want more space for my boys. I want to not have to worry about upstairs neighbors bothering me or my boys bothering downstairs neighbors. But I also don't want to go broke to get a home.

It's just so frustrating not being able to afford a home, and I get even more frustrated because I understand why the homes are so expensive out here. It's not something I can do anything about, so I shouldn't even be thinking about it. But I feel bad that investors out here are raping ordinary people who just want a place for their kids to play and grow up. It makes me sad, angry even. Homes in California would not be as expensive if there were tighter controls on residential real estate investing. Do you know that I do not know one single person in my town that owns the home they live in. Everyone I know rents. Everyone here. Even the two income families rent their homes. It is ridiculous! I wonder if there are any owner-occupied homes here at all.

So I need to quit thinking about this. But I got Raul worked up about possibly buying a home, and it's going to be tough to tell him I have once again given up on house hunting. I know he won't want to give up because he has already excitedly discussed it with his friends and co-workers. *sigh* I already had my heart set on leaving this apartment. I feel like I am in a bizarre state of limbo. If I snap my fingers, do you think I could just let it all go?

Dear John

2010-03-05T19:58:00.000-08:00

My new physical therapist is named John, and he and the staff have already given me an open invitation to hang out as long as I bring some Louisiana home cooking with me. I told them we could barter. :-)

I also met John's wife and his two month old baby girl Genevieve before I even met him. The receptionist was answering the phones and greeting patients while playing with the baby when I walked in. I really love it there. I immediately felt right at home with these people.

So he did a much better job of figuring out what was wrong with me than the doctor. John has his doctorate in physical therapy and some kind of special Titleist training, so I am not surprised at how skilled he was. He knew where to press to make me most uncomfortable to figure out what the problem was. My biceps femoris (hamstring muscle that connects to the tibia just above the calf muscle, thus my thinking that my calf muscle was involved. I love it when someone that is treating me helps me understand what is going on with my body and why.

On my day off yesterday I went to see the movie Dear John, recommended specifically to me by my sister Madeleine. I cried like a baby. I wanted to throw myself down in the aisle and let the tears and snot flow. I wanted to wail until my lungs were empty, but I couldn't. Instead, I somewhat quietly saturated my four tiny napkins that I grabbed with my free popcorn and $4.50 bottle of water. I had no idea there was a story line about autism in the movie, and OMG did that little boy remind me of Jonah. Madeleine told me I would cry. The last time I cried nearly that much at a movie theater was when I watched the opening credits of Sex and the City The Movie, but that was because I was pregnant and highly emotional. I was so happy the movie was finally out. BTW, I still do not understand why Samantha of all people had no sex whatsoever in that movie. The movie was great, so I won't spoil it. So many heartwarming and heartbreaking things happen. I really did love that movie.

John, my new PT, said he will help me with many things. I get a free consult with their nutritionist, and he said she can focus on nutrition for both my healing and my half marathon training. He jokingly mentioned that she probably will not be recommending Louisiana food, and I jokingly told him that I will probably live longer because I moved away from Louisiana and all that yummy food.

He is also starting me off with some strength building exercises for my hips, which are weak as hell, and then he will be gradually building me back up to running so that I don't destroy my left leg. He also told me to bring in my half marathon training schedule so that he could help me tweak it. AND he is going to videotape my running to evaluate my stride once I get strong enough so that he can figure out if there is anything else that we should be working on.

Hey, Ron, he used that tape you suggested to place one continuous strip from the inside of my left knee all the way up to the outside of my upper thigh to help stabilize my knee. So simple, but I immediately felt a difference!

I need to remember to ask him whether or not I should cross my legs and if he will fix my shoulder an neck once he is done with my leg and hip.

Currently there is a precious little man scaling my body to wedge himself between my typing hands because he misses me so I should probably end now. Until later....

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

2010-03-04T11:52:00.000-08:00

First off, I quit taking Lexapro last week. Since the whole reason I got on this medication was the stress brought on by having to deal with the IEP/special education process at Jonah's school, I finally decided to not fill my next prescription and fire my psychiatrist. Besides, it's annoying having to go back month after month and have him ask when and/or if I have started going to therapy again. I went to therapy for over a year. It helped me to see many things differently, but in the big picture, it did not make my life easier. I mean, my therapy cannot change my son's Asperger's or my husband's job situation, you know? So, after I quit taking Lexapro, some interesting things happened. First of all, I felt better! I have more energy. I am more cheerful and funnier even! I finally have the willpower to stop overeating. And I finally stopped dreaming every single night that I live at my parents' house, which I still do not understand. Other strange things have happened. I often feel dizzy, like when I am changing direction, my brain is a couple of steps behind my body. Also, I sometimes feel this electric shock sensation in my extremities, mostly my arms and mostly at night. Neither is painful or bothersome, just strange.

Next, Raul is working two jobs at the moment. He is only off one day a week. So that makes life a bit more complicated. I feel like a single parent, which is not fun when Jonah is in one of his moods, but luckily Raul can take time off from the new job to help me when things get rough. Like today, he took Jonah to the doctor for me and I get to go to the movies alone later!! Ah!

And tomorrow I start physical therapy. I am really looking forward to it so that I can get the okay to start training again. And the practice I am going to specializes in sports rehab and training, which is great! Did I mention they told me that I could bring Aidan b/c they like to take care of babies? Oh, I love them already!!

And The Diagnosis Is...

2010-02-24T17:49:00.000-08:00

...Iliotibial Band Syndrome and Patella Femoral Syndrome. So the treatment is anti-inflammatories and 6 weeks of physical therapy, 2 - 3 times per week. If there is not significant improvement after therapy, then we will reevaluate.

Ugh, did I mention Aidan hit his terrible two's early? Right now he is pulling on my shirt crying... and climbing in my arms and face as I type. He is literally attached to me now but still fussy. Fortunately it's a rare thing for him to do this. Now he is happily sitting in my lap watching Word World. He cannot do this from the floor or the sofa. It has to be from my lap.

Okay, so back to the doctor. They took x-rays of my knee and hip. My left kneecap, b/c I am a woman, pulls to the outside and causes wear/grinding where the kneecap meets the bone. And apparently my iliotibial band is catching on the bony prominence of my upper femur, causing a popping sensation in my hip. Tightness in the ITB also causes knee problems b/c of where it attaches on the knee.

So I have some answers, am not permanently injured, and thankfully do not need surgery! Whoo-hooo!!

The only thing bothering me now is that I cannot find my digital camera. I thought I put it in the glove compartment when we left the zoo last week, but it's not there. Then again, it's not easy to find anything at my place if it did happen to make it inside. It could be inside the sofa... or Jonah's room... or I could have hidden it from Jonah and AGAIN forgot where I put it. I have to hide everything from Jonah. He has broken my digital camera twice. Oh, and the day I supposedly put it in the glove compartment, I stood up at the end of our tour bus ride, and the left lens of my glasses fell out. Since I was so blind at the time, I may have been distracted from what I really did with the camera. I need a DVR for my brain.

Training will resume soon. My sanity may take a little longer to return. lol!

So Far, No Good

2010-02-18T14:47:00.000-08:00

I had an appointment scheduled with an orthopedist tomorrow because I hurt myself on my third day of running. I don't know what happened but my leg has been hurting since that day, whether I am moving around or sitting and doing nothing. The pain extends from the top of my hamstring all the way down the back of my knee into the top of my calf muscle. And the middle of my knee burns too. But it doesn't feel like I hurt my muscles, if that makes any sense. It doesn't seem like something I should ignore. Anyway, I got an automated message from the doctor's office this morning saying that "due to unforeseen changes in your doctor's schedule, your appointment tomorrow has been canceled." It's the last thing you want to hear when you are in pain.

One of the most dramatic effects of this injury is that if my leg has been flexed all the way at the knee, it is very difficult and painful to extend my leg to stand up. So if I am sitting on the sofa with my legs tucked beside me or if I am squatting and then try to stand, I get a sharp stabbing/burning pain behind my left knee. The rest of the time it's just a mild annoying burning pain, probably a 2 on a scale of 1 to 10.

At the moment I am on the phone with a new orthopedist/sports medicine doctor's office. I did a little more research and I like the reputation of this doctor better.

OMG!!! He moved to Colorado!!!!!!! What the hell? The first doctor I called, the appt scheduler told me that they lost their contract with my insurance and I needed to call my insurance to find out if they currently have a contract. Now this??? This is the third doctor I have tried to get an appt with.

I am officially frustrated.

OMG, I Signed Up for a Half Marathon!!

2010-02-06T18:56:00.000-08:00

Ok, you guys talked me into it. :-)

So this week I signed up for my very first half marathon. I had been talking about signing up for some sort of race for years and never did it. I, of course, always had some sort of excuse to not do it. I didn't have time. Raul works weekends. I don't have the extra money. I can't spend that much time away from the boys. Etc., etc., etc....

Aidan was sick last week and I had to take him to a pediatrician I had never met before. Aidan was okay and the next day I watched The Real Housewives of Orange County on my DVR. I decided to look up where Vicki's insurance office was located, and it turned out that it was on the first floor of the building in Rancho Santa Margarita where I took Aidan to the doctor the day before!! No-freaking-way!!!

So I checked out more of her two websites here and here. She sells jeans, too? Oh, sorry. HA! I just started reading all about her to find out exactly what keeps her busier than the other housewives, what makes her so successful. I read about her company, the jeans, and I read her blog and interviews from her media section. This quote really struck me:

I don't really enjoy TV; it's a waste of time. I would rather go to the gym or get out of the house and do something productive. I don't want to sit on the couch and watch TV.

And, ahem, I watch A LOT of TV. What she said made me realize how much time I waste watching TV. I did have time to go to the gym if I quit watching TV, if I spent less time on the computer. ;-) I did have time to train for a half marathon!! Not a full marathon, but a half marathon, yes. I immediately found a half marathon to sign up for. I didn't want my DVR and my TV to be the reasons I never do the things I really want to do.

Honestly, there is another reason I finally committed myself to doing it. I recently found some old high school friends and it reminded me of other times in my life when I dedicated myself to doing things I wasn't sure I could accomplish just to prove to myself that I could.

I once went on a canoe trip that involved carrying our canoes more than they were in the water on the first day. Remember, I am 5'2" and I was only one of two people carrying our canoe with all our gear inside and an ice chest. I even tripped in the water while carrying the canoe and cut my finger open on a tree that was under the water. (The fallen trees were the reason we had to carry our canoes so far.) During a break on a sand bar, I went off by myself and cried, thinking to myself that I would pay for a helicopter to come and pick me up if I had the money. It wasn't until this break that my canoeing partner admitted that he had a first aid kit the entire time. Jerk. Thanks for adding to my frustration! Then we got separated from the group looking for a guy who went ahead of the group by himself to scout out a campground. Ugh. We found him but it was about to RAIN and we had to find another sand bar to set up camp and get the steaks grilled before the rain started or we would not have a meal for the day. So there I was that night eating extremely rare steak and drinking beer, because someone else had the ice chest with the water and soda, while the skies opened up on our tents. My stomach hurt and I kept burping from the beer. And my finger... Why did I go on this trip?

Believe it or not, I woke up feeling refreshed the next day and I had gotten over my fear that my finger would rot and fall off. We paddled to the half-way point where staff from the canoe company were meeting us to make sure everything was going well. A good portion of our group decided to call it quits at the half-way point, but I decided to go on because I believed it couldn't get any worse. Why stop when it just starts getting better, you know?

I was soooooo glad that I stayed. The rest of the trip was a piece of cake. No more trees in the water; no more carrying canoes. The sun was glistening off the water. We canoed and raced and goofed off and had an excellent second day!! I was so proud of myself for sticking it out because it was so worth it! Finishing that canoe trip was - seriously - a spiritual experience for me. It changed me more than any sermon at church ever did. I thought deeply about that experience for along time... after I reopened the cut on my finger to clean out the leftover pieces of slimy bark.

I believe that experience is what led me to have the strength to do many other things in my life. Leaving Louisiana. Briefly having my own apartment by myself! Hiking to the Mt Charleston ridge line just outside of Vegas - twice. Having a completely natural birth at home. To some people, those things are nothing. To other people, I am insane and should probably seek some professional help. To yet others, I am courageous. In reality, I have pushed myself farther than I ever thought I could. And I want to continue pushing myself because I feel like that is a part of who I am.

When I was in high school and the first years of college, I never imagined I would ever move away from Louisiana. EVER. Other people did that, not me. I never imagined I would learn to sail a boat. I never imagined I would live in Las Vegas or Austin or Southern California! I never imagined I would have a child with Asperger's Syndrome and be able to handle it. I never imagined I would have that natural birth at home. And I certainly never imagined I would be running a half marathon!

The truth is that I have to do the half marathon. It's something extremely challenging, and one of my favorite quotes by Eleanore Roosevelt is what I try to live by... "You must do the things you think you cannot do."

Making my body hurt for a few hours is much easier than enduring two and a half years of teachers and other school staff who don't seem to have much positive to say about my wonderful son. It won't hurt as much as giving birth without drugs. It won't be as difficult as moving away from everyone I know and love. Clearly, I have to do this. I just have to.