Little Voices of Destruction

Lately there have been many ups and downs in my life.  They are more internal that external.  Externally, there have been far more ups than downs, so I should be good... but I'm not.  Earlier this week I had three days of high.  Seriously, nothing could knock me down!  Then I got knocked down.  The high, I wonder, maybe was caused by lots of carb consumption over the weekend... pasta, ice cream cookie sandwiches with chocolate chip sprinkles, sugary drinks, etc.  All I know is that it was nice to feel invincible for a few days!

Then we went to a birthday party yesterday and I chased Aidan around for about 90% of the party.  And I felt so out of my comfort zone that I didn't really talk much with anyone anyway.  Jonah would disappear and I would worry that he would be bitten by a rattlesnake and he would be some place where I couldn't find him until it was too late.  And while I was worrying about where Jonah was, Aidan would run off and I would have to find him and run after him because, as a baby should be, he usually runs the other way and laughs when I call his name.  They both disappeared a number of times, and the park where the party was located was quite remote and "wild," lots of places to disappear.  I only knew the mother of the birthday boy.  I had never met her son or her husband or her friends or her friends' kids.  And I had to carry my purse, my camera, a water bottle, Aidan's apple and nectarine wedges all over as I chased the boys.  I was a bit frayed by the end of the party and glad to come home.

And as I was leaving, I was all too aware how withdrawn I had been at the party.  I became very critical of myself, thinking of all the things I should have done differently.  I was embarrassed that complete strangers were doing things with Jonah when I felt like I should have been the one helping him.  I was embarrassed that I wasn't up to meeting people and avoided my friend's husband until he was about to leave and he came over and introduced himself, clearly completely unaware of who I was or why I was there.  I spend so much time at home away from adults that you would think I would be so stoked to spend time with other adults!  But I just wanted to run... or hobble, since my knee won't really allow running.

So I have been having these thoughts going through my head lately... thoughts that I am at a critical point in my life.  I feel like the way I handle what is happening right now could really determine where my life heads for the indefinite future.  I keep having thoughts that I am going to completely fall apart and get completely out of shape again and gain lots of weight.  That is my fear, that I am going to end up like these unhappy, obese people I have been watching on The Biggest Loser because my life seems to be getting so out-of-control and I don't believe I can stop it.  I fear that I am failing at everything I am trying to work on right now because I feel so overwhelmed and scattered, like everything in my life is an emergency.  It feels like I have lost my strength, like I have lost my chutzpah.  I like going to the gym and think about going, but I don't go.  I like healthy food, but I am choosing crap instead.  I know there are things that I need to do, but I watch tv and play games on facebook to numb-out instead of getting things accomplished.  I wonder what happened to the spirit I used to have.  I wonder where my inner strength has gone.  WHERE IS MY SELF-CONTROL????  I look in the mirror and I know that I am hardly even close to being obese since my weight is in the 120s, but I have been yo-yo-ing up and down for over a year.  I can't keep it together long enough to maintain my weight or to continue losing weight to get to my goal.  I am wearing clothes that I wore during my pregnancy, people!!  And they are snug.  But it's more about what I am consuming than it is about the weight.  I am killing myself with the crap I am eating.  I don't eat healthy foods like I used to and Aidan eats far unhealthier foods than Jonah did at his age because I don't have the motivation to cook healthy meals.  I usually just go out and buy fast food.  My almost two year old's favorite meal is a double cheeseburger plain and apple fries.  He would prefer regular fries, but I try to at least get him the apples or other fruit rather than fries.  And he likes nachos.  And quesadillas.  And mac and cheese.  Stuff that has very little nutrition to it.  Then I criticize myself for not saving money by cooking at home.

I keep telling myself that I can't do anything right in so many words, and I think I am starting to believe it.  I need to stop that.  I know I do.  It's just really hard with my life going in so many different directions... homeschooling Jonah, taking classes to learn how to help Jonah, Raul working two jobs, Aidan growing up and challenging boundaries (which he should, b/c he is a normal, healthy child), dealing with this PPO insurance and getting bills for visits I forgot about and being double-charged (and not realizing it until after I paid BOTH bills) b/c the doctor's office billed under both Jonah's and Raul's names for the same visit b/c they are both named Raul, (oh-yeah) all the doctors' visits for my knee and for Jonah, worrying about Jonah having to go under general anesthesia TWICE this summer for an MRI and to get his cavities filled (b/c of his extreme anxiety), and just living every single day.  It's just so hard.  You don't know how hard it is to live with a child with Asperger's/high functioning autism unless you go through it.  You cannot even begin to fathom what it's like.  The work never ends.  There is no going home at the end of the day to relax from this job.  It's 24/7.

So please excuse me while I have my little nervous breakdown before I can move on.